Leap
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I miss everyone.
I didnāt expect my daughterās birthday to be my last day of work.
I didnāt expect a new job would be so challenging to secure.
Iām supposed to be the provider.
I was so grateful for my job I could work from home. It still feels recent to me that Iām unfolding layers of challenges attributed to autism spectrum disorder, but āwork from homeā had always been the dream.
I get my work ethic from my dad, Iām sure. I bring my best to everything and create efficiency where it is to be had, but in search of financial stability and job hunting, I feel overlooked and disregarded.
Iām in shock and disbelief; it has perhaps driven me to madness as I am now in pursuit of monetizing this blog and generating income through Patreon with a niche community hub.
I solved a self-hosting mystery and I get to place that victory in my pocket, but I need help.
Iām trying to convince myself that that help is out there. Iām trying to convince myself that people are out there who would be proud to contribute, not just to my well-being, but to what Iām building.
Rent is due. My unemployment benefits are ending and moving back in with my parents feels like a nuclear option. Thereās 11 people in that house and one of them doesnāt like to take his medicine.
My life has completely flipped on its head and Iāve been cornered into a leap of faith.
Itās disorienting and uncomfortable, but maybe this is one of those things where, one day, Iāll look back and realize that all of it was for the best and the universe does have my back. Do people still believe in that kind of thing?
My job tonight is to convince myself that I might not be excluded from the power of crowdfunding. Iām not someone whoās here on this earth to be overlooked. Iām someone who will honor and respect the energy behind anyoneās contributions, financial and otherwise.
But itās so embarrassing to feel like, āhave I just been in denial telling myself that things would work out since last May?ā Was it an excuse to make sure I could be home for my daughter?
Weāre getting David to a neurologist in a couple weeks. Maybe weāll learn something that bolsters my confidence in leaving him alone with her, but I think she needs us both.
It all feels so delicate.
I never wanted kids.
Iām the oldest of my momās 10 and never knew what autism was; I just knew that I was miserable in the chaos and⦠neglect, honestly. Not that itās CPS-worthy, but Iām someone whoās been deeply wounded drowning in my own emotional depth alongside a world that doesnāt value sensitivity.
I never wanted kids because I knew Iād cry everyday and they were going to see it and they werenāt going to understand why.
Iām already sorry to her for that.
And Iām sorry to the āworld out thereā who seemingly wonāt take me back for however I might be ānot good enoughā to fit back in, like my place in the workforce in the first place was a fluke and stroke of luck. I wonāt express in detail the weight of this embarrassment.
Iām building in a scale I can sustain while dreaming of bigger things, still. Because under all this weight, Iām still dreaming. Iām still envisioning the paths to inclusivity, equality, and clarity because for much longer than Iāve been a mom, Iāve been an older sister holding her eyes open to all the world and the ways itās run, worried by systemic failure while attempting to honor how Iāve been taught not to complain without presenting solutions.
I donāt want to feel silenced anymore.
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